I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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