she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
