FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
