Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
