Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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