I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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