We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
