you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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