i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
