I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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