I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
