Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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