DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
