I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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