my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
