Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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