Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
