this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
