worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
