aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
