Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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