I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
