If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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