thus making me awesome and them whores
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
