Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
