I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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