If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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