No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
