I haven't been this sober since birth.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
