Betty ford says i'm here all night
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
