Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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