Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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