there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
