Jerry, you need to find god
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
