So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
