Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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