My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
