My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
