Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
