I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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