she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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