remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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