Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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