she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
