So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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