there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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