are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
