Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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