wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
