I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
