So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
