I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We are all done wearing pants today
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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