I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
